The Mommy Diaries: Journey to Motherhood



I have wanted to be mother since I can remember. I babysat and worked as a nanny all through high school and college.   I love being around children, their wonder, their innocence, their honesty, their joy.  I love growing with them and learning from them.  While I tried out several career paths, my love of children eventually led me back to education.

However, as much as I wanted to be a mother, my independent and adventurous spirit led me in my 20’s to travel and experience as much as I could around the country and globe. I knew I wanted to be ready to be a mom, ready to settle down with no regrets, ready to devote myself to my little one.

As I teetered on the edge of 30 I could feel that biological clock ticking. I began noticing babies everywhere—at the grocery store, restaurants, and everywhere else. I became very curious when talking with pregnant ladies. I had so many questions. I was so curious, and the yearning in me began to grow. It’s time. I could feel it in my bones

In 2012, my husband and I began talking more seriously about it and decided to start preparing. I went off birth control and had decided to devote some time to getting my body healthy and ready to conceive. Before I had even had a chance to get ready, I was pregnant. We were surprised, excited and very happy. Immediately the trajectories of our lives changed. Then, just as we settled into the idea of being parents, I miscarried at 11 weeks. It was a devastating loss.  Our hopes and dreams vanished in a moment.  I felt deserted by God, my grief so great I felt I would implode. The grieving was hard on both of us, but what I learned quickly after, as people shared their stories with me, is that many women have experienced this loss. One thing I knew for sure, I was already a mother. I was a mother the moment I first found out I was pregnant. That constant concern, guilt, unconditional love pouring forth from me; this is what makes the loss of a child at any stage so profound.

We waited about six months and began “to try” again to conceive. Of course, I thought it would happen quickly and without much thought. However, this was not the case.  I began charting my cycles, taking my temperatures, eating fertility foods. After six months, still no luck. I began to feel frustrated and depressed. It seemed everyone around me was pregnant, including Princess Kate and Kim K, except for me. I began to grow bitter and angry.  I prayed for God to give us a child, but I felt like He had forgotten us.

The old saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans. During the course of this time, I had applied for, and was offered, a new teaching job in a high school. I had been trying to teach high school for years, and there had been no openings. Finally, my chance; I was so excited to have this opportunity.  A week after I had accepted this new position, I found out I was pregnant.

5-19-13
Dear Baby,

I found out I was pregnant with you just moments ago. I cried tears of joy. I am so elated, so happy and totally in love with you already. I am sending you love, peace and hugs. I pray for you to grow healthy and strong in my womb.

Thank you, God, for this miracle. Give me strength and resilience each day of this pregnancy. Help me know you are walking with me through this whole process (of pregnancy and parenthood). Thank you for this Amazing blessing!

Love,
Mama Emily

I was elated about the pregnancy, and though the time was “interesting.” I knew God would take care of us, and we would figure it out.  Though it hasn’t been easy, we have made it so far.  I finished my previous job and prepared for a move, all during my first trimester.  Somehow I made it, with lots of naps and support from my husband and family.

No one really likes to talk about the not-so pleasant things that start to take over your body during the first part of pregnancy: raging hormones, constant gas and, of course, the nausea. Though I never threw up, I experienced a low-low hum of nausea all throughout those first three months. My hearty appetite diminished, and I lived on saltines and ginger ale. I also began to feel like a hound dog.  I could sniff out a sweet, coffee, strong perfume from a mile away.

But all this is worth it for the miracle of life growing inside me. Join me this next year as I document, in candid writing, the journey of my pregnancy and adventures in being a parent for the first time.


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